remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
