took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
