would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
