i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
