Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
