I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
