Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
