I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
