It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
