I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
