When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
