Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
