When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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