dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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