just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
