I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
