If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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