ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Never joke about your clitoris.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
