Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We had sex on a dog bed..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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