but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
