Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
