I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
