I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
