Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i love accidental penises.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize