VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
