He had one of those small greek statue penises
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
