Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
