I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
