so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
