There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
