He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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