now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Someone signed my nipple.
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