somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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