I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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