Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
