Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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