ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
