Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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