You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
