Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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