Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
