come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
