I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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