My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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