Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
