we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
