I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize