2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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