He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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