I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
