Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
