I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
