Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
PANTIES FOUND
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