I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
