atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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