I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
