I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
