this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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