I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
