I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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