So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
